Had I told people about my depression they would've ended my career: Steve Harmison

In 2004, Steve Harmison was one of the most feared fast bowlers in the world. He was world no.1 bowler in the ICC rankings, the world was at his feet. There was only success and happiness waiting for him but deep down Harmison was a broken man. It’s very hard to imagine his level of depression that in spite of all the successes, he considered crashing his car before the South Africa series in 2004.

He was a ‘broken man’

Harmison had picked 7 for 12 against West Indies in 2004, and he was due to play against South Africa. England won the series and in the following year, they beat Australia to regain Ashes after a very long time. The Durham pacer was at the peak of his career. But despite his cricketing exploits deep down he was a man who was broken. He has written about this saddening episode in his newly published autobiography, ‘Speed Demons’.

‘What was actually sat in that car was a broken shell, a person who had turned himself inside out in despair that the thing he was so good at was also the thing that made him ill, that took him away from everything he loved.’ Harmison wrote in his autobiography.

The 38-year-old took 226 wickets in 63 Tests. He now feels depressed because he thinks he has bottled up his Test career and could have achieved a lot more than he actually did.

Only a few knew about his illness

People say that he was the softest 6 ft 4-inch fast bowler in the history of the game. His homesickness always kept him quite, that homesickness was a symptom of a crippling anxiety. He was diagnosed with clinical depression, and very few knew about it. His wife Hayley, and teammates like Andrew Flintoff and Rob Key were the only ones who were in the knowing.

Harmison said that if others came to know about this illness, instead of helping him they would have ended his International career.

“It was the days of one bad game and you were out. Lots of people didn’t understand at the time, and I didn’t want it to override my cricket. And all these so-called experts and former players talking about weakness and illness… having that tag was hurtful,” he added.